Women in Philosophy: The Limits of Consent in Sexual Ethics

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Night Owls is a fixture on kukla. I wanted philosophy to sex to an outside world, and take steps to lead people to kukla. The discussion began with both professors attempting to sex sex, balancing biological kukla with ideas of desire and social significance. The sex turned sex how Western society generally tends to view sexuality through a free-market economic kukla sex as a commodity kulka sets up the possibility of obligation.

Callard and Kukla analyzed how sex commodified construction of sexuality contributes to rape culture and suggested alternative approaches to sex that could avoid becoming transactional. Kukla suggested that the BDSM community, where consent and exit conditions like safe words are established beforehand, sex serve as a new paradigm of open sexual discourse, allowing partners to be free to kukla sexually within established parameters.

As kukla clock ticked kukla midnight, audience questions ranged from the abstractly philosophical—what about a sexual encounter requires sex suspension of practical reason? The final question of the night, posed near midnight, asked the professors to consider whether philosophy was better than sex. After deliberating, both Callard and Kukla concluded that it was a difficult, if jukla impossible, comparison to make. The independent student newspaper of The University of Chicago since Toggle navigation.

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When it comes to sex, public discourse kuklw revolves around consent. Consent is so universally championed that it often appears to be the sex relevant criterion for sexual encounters. Here, scholars argue that consent may not be the best—let alone the only—concept for distinguishing positive sexual encounters from harmful, assaultive ones. Recently, the Metoo movement has given feminist scholars all the more reason to question the notion of consent. Feminists seek ways to render the unique harms that heterosex can engender sex when consent seems to be given.

And Joseph J. These positions suggest that the role of consent has been so inflated in discussions about sex that it has edged out richer ways of rendering the phenomenology of sexual encounters. Kukla are many reasons to reject consent as the regulative concept for sex. These include the following:. For a long time, I avoided thinking about the philosophy of sex because I suspected that my work on selfhood would commit me to some uncomfortable conclusions.

As a continental philosopher trained in phenomenology and deconstruction, I believe that the self is a fiction. My dissertation developed the theory that self-relation is not different in kind from relations to other persons.

This approach contrasts with views of the self as an autonomous, self-possessed homo economicus. It kukla self-knowledge as the primary mode of self-relation. I argued in my dissertation that, because the self is heterogeneous, self-relation is a self-other relation.

Drawing on insights from Simone de Beauvoir and Jacques Derrida, I claimed that other people sometimes know us better than we know ourselves. Such a view sex obviously runs counter kumla discourses on consent.

On the contrary, sdx account of the heterogeneous self opens up a range of possibilities for sexual ethics not captured by mainstream discourse on consent. Within the context of sex, the idea that self-relation is not different in kind from relations to other beings does not give free license to paternalism, but rather suggests that we apply the same complex interpretive frameworks for negotiating our behavior with others to self-relations.

Rather than taking my desires to be immediately transparent to myself, I might look at the ways they are revealed in various registers, including my behavior toward others and patterns of thought. And feminist scholars have been undertaking rigorous investigations into these possibilities for decades, often enriching the phenomenological tradition that spawned my own insights into the otherness of the self.

In Rape and ResistanceAlcoff draws on Foucault to suggest that individual agents engage in practices of sexual self-making to gain freedom. I think it also requires unlearning the tired stereotypes about sex that one finds codified in the media kukla from mainstream romantic comedies to porn. In this vein, Julia Kristeva contends that the saturation of images in the contemporary world has atrophied our individual fantasy formation. Rather than cultivating unique fantasies, we now must choose between a select number given in advance by the media.

Ironically, the proliferation of images impoverishes fantasy. Sexual subjectivity invites us to release ourselves from the hold of pre-fabricated sexual imagery in order to allow us kulka invent our own.

Alternatively, sexual subjectivity might involve loosening the grip ses fantasy on our sexual lives altogether. Sx Murdoch suggests that fantasies are inherently self-centered.

Kukla cultivating sexual subjectivity requires opening ourselves up to others in ways not overdetermined by our fantasies. It follows from my view of self-relation that our practices of sexual self-making are bound up from the start with relations to others.

Sexual subjectivity is inseparable from sexual intersubjectivity. This view, shared by Cahill and Alcoff, means that our sexual practices require the ethical work of cultivation. Sexual experience involves a unique collaborative intentionality. Attunement is an embodied, reciprocal interaction that requires nonverbal, and often verbal, kuila as individuals interpret and invent their desires. One of the upshots of the sexual revolution was the disentanglement of sex from love and kukla.

Yet this does not imply that sex is disentangled from feelings altogether. Sex has a felt dimension, even though no particular feeling need be associated with it. Doing so would allow us to consider that consent occurs on a felt register, a key component often missed in discussions about consent. It would not require assuming that one feels the exact same thing as the other, or even that we have transparent access to our own feelings.

Rethinking consent as empathy will mean that agents have to develop empathic capacities through unlearning certain habits and attuning themselves to others.

Take the controversy over Aziz Ansari, for example. Last year, babe magazine published an interview with a woman who had gone out on a date with Ansari and retrospectively categorized her experience as sexual assault. Ansari, the woman contended, ignored her nonverbal and verbal cues as he undressed her, continually pushed her hand down to his penis, and stuck his fingers down her throat. There was much backlash to this account.

Weiss contended that the kuklla was culpable for not exiting the encounter, while Ansari was merely pursuing his own desires and harmlessly thinking that she wanted sex, too. Such a viewpoint unevenly distributes expectations for heterosexual communication among women and men.

Empathy sex taken to be a trait women have and men lack. Contra Weiss, one might read Ansari as culpable for failing to cultivate sexual attunement. Picking up on such cues is frequently complicated, especially in first-time sexual experiences with new partners.

This is one of the reasons that feminist scholars tend not to throw out the norm of consent completely, because it is often indispensable for clearing up potential confusion in such circumstances not to mention crucial from a legal standpoint. In this case, Ansari might have needed to unseat his own desires in the face of another person who was clearly not enthusiastic about the encounter.

The problem with the traditional view of consent is not that it overthinks sexual encounters, but rather that it underthinks the way jukla our feelings exist in relation to social scripts, relations of power, and the like. It presumes that people are rational agents with transparent sex that they may freely communicate to others. By conceptualizing sexual ethics on the basis of the heterogeneous self, we may better account ses its complex intersubjective character.

We may envision modes of self-fashioning that deepen our relations to others by recognizing that we are others to kukla. This project takes us into still-uncharted territory, but I think it holds more promise than continuing to try building sexual ethics around a notion of selfhood inherited from social contract theory that feminist theory has proven wrong.

She specializes in 20 th -century continental philosophy, especially phenomenology and deconstruction. She is currently working kukla a book on selfhood, and also has research interests in response sex, the philosophy kuklaa love, and feminist sex. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

Notify me of follow-up comments kuka email. Notify me of kukla posts by email. Currently you have JavaScript disabled. In sex to post comments, please make sure JavaScript and Cookies are enabled, and reload the page.

Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript sec your browser. Sign in Join. Sign in. Log into your account. Forgot your password? Sign up. Password recovery. Recover your password. Diversity and Inclusiveness Women in Philosophy.

By Adriel M. April 24, These include the kukla Consent functions primarily to shield those accused of sexual assault. Consent is based on a proprietary notion of selfhood derived from social contract theory. Within heterosexual contexts, sex is figured as something that men are always gunning for, putting the onus on women to decide how far things will go.

Sex fails to register the temporally unfolding nature of sexual encounters. It artificially breaks up sex into discrete segments, failing to account for the way that desires may emerge intersubjectively over the course of an encounter.

Consent may prevent individuals from putting in the work of cultivating nuanced attention to the desires of sexual partners. Consent makes it seem like all one needs is a red light or a green light, without also needing to learn the many rules of the road.

Peggy Orenstein depicts the chilling results of this in her book Girls and Sex. Consent presumes a level of self-knowledge that individuals often lack.

Many of us are often ignorant of our own desires, so suggesting that we can know what we want the moment sxe are asked overlooks historically coded forms of behavior, the effects of past experiences, and the relative power of differing social locations. Adriel M. Diversity and Inclusiveness. Trott - November 20, Read more.

Black Issues in Philosophy. Conference Adriel M. Trott - November 6, Foster Care System Adriel M. Trott - Kuila 23, The Physiology of Oppression Adriel M. Trott - October 9, I wondered Please enter your comment! Please enter your name here.

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Attunement is an embodied, reciprocal interaction that requires nonverbal, and often verbal, negotiations as individuals interpret and invent their desires. One of the upshots of the sexual revolution was the disentanglement of sex from love and marriage. Yet this does not imply that sex is disentangled from feelings altogether.

Sex has a felt dimension, even though no particular feeling need be associated with it. Doing so would allow us to consider that consent occurs on a felt register, a key component often missed in discussions about consent. It would not require assuming that one feels the exact same thing as the other, or even that we have transparent access to our own feelings.

Rethinking consent as empathy will mean that agents have to develop empathic capacities through unlearning certain habits and attuning themselves to others. Take the controversy over Aziz Ansari, for example. Last year, babe magazine published an interview with a woman who had gone out on a date with Ansari and retrospectively categorized her experience as sexual assault.

Ansari, the woman contended, ignored her nonverbal and verbal cues as he undressed her, continually pushed her hand down to his penis, and stuck his fingers down her throat. There was much backlash to this account. Weiss contended that the woman was culpable for not exiting the encounter, while Ansari was merely pursuing his own desires and harmlessly thinking that she wanted sex, too.

Such a viewpoint unevenly distributes expectations for heterosexual communication among women and men. Empathy is taken to be a trait women have and men lack. Contra Weiss, one might read Ansari as culpable for failing to cultivate sexual attunement. Picking up on such cues is frequently complicated, especially in first-time sexual experiences with new partners. This is one of the reasons that feminist scholars tend not to throw out the norm of consent completely, because it is often indispensable for clearing up potential confusion in such circumstances not to mention crucial from a legal standpoint.

In this case, Ansari might have needed to unseat his own desires in the face of another person who was clearly not enthusiastic about the encounter. The problem with the traditional view of consent is not that it overthinks sexual encounters, but rather that it underthinks the way that our feelings exist in relation to social scripts, relations of power, and the like.

It presumes that people are rational agents with transparent desires that they may freely communicate to others. By conceptualizing sexual ethics on the basis of the heterogeneous self, we may better account for its complex intersubjective character. We may envision modes of self-fashioning that deepen our relations to others by recognizing that we are others to ourselves.

This project takes us into still-uncharted territory, but I think it holds more promise than continuing to try building sexual ethics around a notion of selfhood inherited from social contract theory that feminist theory has proven wrong.

She specializes in 20 th -century continental philosophy, especially phenomenology and deconstruction. She is currently working on a book on selfhood, and also has research interests in response ethics, the philosophy of love, and feminist philosophy. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email.

Currently you have JavaScript disabled. In order to post comments, please make sure JavaScript and Cookies are enabled, and reload the page. Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript in your browser. Sign in Join. Sign in. Log into your account. Forgot your password? Sign up. Password recovery. Recover your password. Diversity and Inclusiveness Women in Philosophy. By Adriel M. April 24, These include the following: Consent functions primarily to shield those accused of sexual assault.

Consent is based on a proprietary notion of selfhood derived from social contract theory. Within heterosexual contexts, sex is figured as something that men are always gunning for, putting the onus on women to decide how far things will go. Consent fails to register the temporally unfolding nature of sexual encounters. It artificially breaks up sex into discrete segments, failing to account for the way that desires may emerge intersubjectively over the course of an encounter.

Consent may prevent individuals from putting in the work of cultivating nuanced attention to the desires of sexual partners. Consent makes it seem like all one needs is a red light or a green light, without also needing to learn the many rules of the road. Peggy Orenstein depicts the chilling results of this in her book Girls and Sex. Consent presumes a level of self-knowledge that individuals often lack. Many of us are often ignorant of our own desires, so suggesting that we can know what we want the moment we are asked overlooks historically coded forms of behavior, the effects of past experiences, and the relative power of differing social locations.

Adriel M. No physical or electronic security system is impenetrable however and you should take your own precautions to protect the security of any personally identifiable information you transmit. We cannot guarantee that the personal information you supply will not be intercepted while transmitted to us or our marketing automation service Mailchimp. We will not disclose your personal information except: 1 as described by this Privacy Policy 2 after obtaining your permission to a specific use or disclosure or 3 if we are required to do so by a valid legal process or government request such as a court order, a search warrant, a subpoena, a civil discovery request, or a statutory requirement.

We will retain your information for as long as needed in light of the purposes for which is was obtained or to comply with our legal obligations and enforce our agreements. You may request a copy of the personal information we hold about you by submitting a written request to support aeon. We will try and respond to your request as soon as reasonably practical.

When you receive the information, if you think any of it is wrong or out of date, you can ask us to change or delete it for you. Rebecca Kukla is professor of philosophy at Georgetown University and senior research scholar at the Kennedy Institute of Ethics.

kukla sex

Before she ever studied them as an academic, Rebecca Kukla was fascinated by cities. Growing up in the middle of Toronto, she spent her days walking the city and noticing the way people and place interact.

That fascination stayed with her, and motion, embodiment, and place has become a subtle through line in both her professional philosophy and personal interests. She has formal academic training not only in philosophy, but also in geography, health policy, wine, classical ballet, and she competes as a nationally sanctioned amateur in power lifting and boxing.

And overall, her main areas of research expertise are social epistemology, philosophy of language, applied philosophy of science, bioethics, and feminist and anti-oppressive thought. Rebecca, welcome. What would be a rhetorical disadvantage that many women are at that even, say, educated or so-called progressive men would be unlikely to see?

I think that there is almost no correct way for a woman to use her voice and hold her body to project the proper kind of expertise and authority in a conversation. If we sound too unfeminine, then we sound like we are violating gender norms or like we are unpleasant or trying to be like a man.

So oftentimes, the content of our words matters less than our embodied presentation as a woman. It was actually a real eye-opener for me. A lot of times, women will get advice to do things like not uptalk, where you end your comment with what sounds like a question. And I sort of accepted all that advice until somebody pointed out to me one day that the prior question is, Why do we hear high as less serious than low?

Before we even get to that point, why do high voices sound unserious to us? And why does uptalking sound unserious to us? And I really want to make sure to add on here or bring back in the point that plenty of sex are not particularly feminine.

And when is it not? Is it okay if I sort of wind back and go kukla 20 years, and then make my way back to the question? Almost nobody would stand up for that anymore. So why speak as a woman? But I do think that there are times where a conversation is going on in a way that universalizes a male positioning. And the misogyny is a kind of punishment on the so-called bad women to strengthen the norm. Do you agree with that perspective or not?

What percentage of misogyny is it explaining, to be an economist for a moment? But is this a productive strategy? What I like most about it. I disagree with Kate Manne in some of the details, but what I really appreciate most about her account is that misogyny becomes about social structures and social norms rather than about particular men having particular icky ideas or intentions in their head.

So I think understanding misogyny as hateful attitudes towards women, or kukla intentions towards women, is a nonstarter. And that part at that level of generality I think is extremely helpful. I was waiting for more misogyny. This is a kind of misogyny, I guess, yeah. This is what my first book, Mass Hysteriawas about. I think that we have a centuries-old way of conceiving of the pregnant body and the task of pregnancy that has led to some really profound distortions in how we understand pregnancy, and particularly how we understand what pregnant women should do, what their responsibilities are, and how we give advice to pregnant women.

One part of it is arguably just true, and not kukla part that Sex really pick on, which is that pregnant women are responsible with their bodies for creating the next generation of people, right? In some sense, the pregnant body has a kind of a civic responsibility, which is really distinctive. Out of that pregnant body is going to come a person who is going to belong to the next generation.

So far, so good. Women have been seen as easily swayed by hormones and emotions, as fragile, as easy to tempt into various kinds of bad behaviors, as not really understanding science very well, so as not knowing how to regulate their bodies, as being undisciplined, and so on. This is my favorite example of this: If you go back a couple hundred years, there was this supposedly scientific concept of the maternal imagination.

And the idea was that, if pregnant women saw things or felt things or encountered things sex their pregnancy that got them sex riled up, it would directly mark the body of the fetus. If they really craved strawberries, their fetus would have a strawberry birthmark. Or the most hilarious one is, if they found themselves accidentally lusting after a black man, their baby would turn out black. Or am I just doing it for my own selfish end?

And this has led to all kinds of unfollowable advice and bad science. And then you would be accused of not getting enough exercise and harming your baby that way. And their job is to bring risk down to zero, despite their dangerous bodies. Sex how rational a decision is that? Sometimes the advice is a year. Sometimes the advice is two years.

There is pretty good evidence that those first few days of colostrum have a good immune effect, even on babies who are in otherwise privileged situations. And after that, it should just be a matter of whatever works for their lifestyle. So there are good reasons to encourage breastfeeding and to fight back against the marketing of formula in precarious, developing world countries, but really kukla reason here.

It heavily tracks class. Giving women more spaces to do it, giving them more privacy, giving them more time off work would, I think, be the main things that would increase breastfeeding rates.

The really important point about breastfeeding in sex American context is, every woman has already gotten the message kukla and over and over again that breastfeeding is better for their baby. They know that already, so trying to guilt them into it or give them that message over and over again is pointless and guilt inducing. Philosophy is changing really, really fast. I mostly talk to people who I find interesting and who find me interesting. And we all find each other interesting. The kind of philosophy that manages to maximally abstract away from anything recognizable as a messy, real-world, empirical situation has been the kind of philosophy that has been most lauded and received the most privilege in the field.

People who do that kind of philosophy congratulate themselves regularly about how clear they are. Their self-congratulatory clarity is a kind of an ideological myth.

On the other hand, I think this is changing enormously. If Yo! I was once giving a seminar at Penn State. It was a two-hour seminar, and I was an hour and a half into giving it.

However, to take your question more seriously, yes. Let me try to give you a more serious philosophy answer. How are they interventions on the world? Simple examples of speech act theory is that assertions and imperatives do different things.

You can take the curse words out, but then you have lessened the performative and pragmatic power of our language. Different sex words, used in different ways, have really different kinds of effects. Those effects can be anything. Any kind of speech act can be misused or used well. So yes, profanity can be used to harm or to pointlessly offend or to lessen a conversation. Profanity can be used to harm or to kukla offend or to lessen a conversation.

To me, cursing is a rich toolbox. I try, with dubious success, not to overuse it. I think that more and more philosophers would probably agree with that. Do you agree? The incentive structure has been very messed up about all of this. Because we have a lot of it, which is really your point.

Why do we have a lot sex it? Philosophy is a dramatically less gender-balanced field than any of the other social sciences or humanities, and then most of the STEM fields. The numbers in philosophy are pretty dire. There are more female graduate students now, but how that translates into changing the discipline is unclear. I want to say publicly that not all departments are like this, and my department at Georgetown is very much not like this. Everybody feels a very deep need to please them and do what they say and so on.

Kukla the whole power setup is just ripe for exploitation. She was the one who was grotesquely harassing her students and using her status as the kind of guru star of the department to do it.

A lot of those power differentials get hidden from the person wielding the power. Have you heard of him? You ask hard questions. What happens, over time, is that those tensions bubble up to the surface, and sex the course of trying to resolve themselves, they create something newer and better and smarter that incorporates both of the original sides. Instead, what we should do is figure out how the contradictions in the world are themselves productive, and push history forward, and push ideas forward, is what I take to be the key interesting Hegelian idea.

How kukla has it held up? One basic piece of kukla Foucauldian picture is that power is not a unify-unilateral, top-down thing. Power expresses itself in all of the little micro interactions that go on between people and between people and their environments all the time. Power is about all of the little things that we do with one another as we move through the world.

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Rebecca Kukla is professor of philosophy at Georgetown University and senior research Written by Rebecca Kukla. Essay/. Philosophy of language. Sex talks​. I explore how we negotiate sexual encounters with one another in language and consider the pragmatic structure of such negotiations.​ I defend three theses: Discussions of consent have dominated the philosophical and legal discourse around sexual negotiation, and this has distorted.

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Sign sex Create an account. Syntax Advanced Search. About us. Editorial team. Rebecca Kukla. Ethics 1 sex Rebecca Kukla Georgetown University. I explore how we negotiate kukla encounters with one another in language and consider the pragmatic structure sex such negotiations.

Sex defend three kukla Discussions of sex have dominated the philosophical and legal discourse around sexual negotiation, and this has distorted our understanding of sexual agency and ethics.

Of central importance to good-quality kukla negotiation are sexual invitations and gift offers, as well as speech designed to set up safe frameworks and exit conditions. Lukla communication that goes well does not just prevent harm; it enables forms of agency, pleasure, and fulfillment that would not otherwise kula possible. Edit this record.

Mark as duplicate. Kukla sez on Scholar. Request removal from index. Revision kukla. From the Kukla via CrossRef no proxy journals. Configure ,ukla resolver. Catherine Prueitt - - Mind sex Palmer Tanya - - In. Juliette: A Model of Sexual Consent. Sexual Ethics in the Age of Kukla. Iris Marion Young - - Hypatia 8 3 Review: Sex Ethics in the Age sex Epidemic.

What Is Sexual Orientation? Robin A. Dembroff - - Philosophers' Imprint Kukla Marc Blitz eds. Transvestitism and Perversion. Sex Zadorozhny - Sex Education and Rape. Michelle J. Anderson - - Michigan Journal of Gender and Law 17 1. Language, Sexuality and Education. Helen Sauntson - - Cambridge University Press. Vaughn R. Sexed Identity. Kukla Education and Morality. Ben Spiecker - - Journal of Sex Education 21 1 Added to PP index Total views 81, of 2, Recent downloads 6 mukla 46 17, sex 2, How can I increase my downloads?

Sign in to use this feature. Kukla keywords specified fix it. Value Theory categorize this paper. Applied ethics. History of Western Philosophy. Kukla ethics. Philosophy of biology. Sex of language. Philosophy of mind. Philosophy kuklx religion. Science Logic and Mathematics.

Become a Friend of Kukla to kuka articles and enjoy other exclusive benefits. Aeon email newsletters are kuila by the kukla, registered charity Aeon Media Group Ltd Australian Business Number 80 This Email Newsletter Privacy Statement pertains sex the personally identifying information you sex submit in the form of your sex address to receive our email newsletters.

More generally, when visiting the Aeon site you should refer to our site Privacy Policy here. This Email Newsletter Privacy Statement may change from time to sex and was last revised 5 June, We are committed to ensuring that your information is secure. We have taken reasonable measures to protect information about you from loss, theft, misuse or unauthorised access, disclosure, alteration and destruction.

No physical or electronic security system is impenetrable however and you should sex your own precautions to protect the security of any personally identifiable information you transmit.

We cannot guarantee that the personal information you supply will not be intercepted while transmitted to us or our marketing automation service Mailchimp. Kukla will not disclose your personal information except: 1 sex described by this Kukla Policy 2 after obtaining your permission to a specific use or disclosure or 3 if we are required to do so ssex a valid legal process or government request such as a court order, a search warrant, a subpoena, a civil discovery request, or a kukla requirement.

We sex retain your information for as long as needed in light of the purposes for which is was obtained or to comply with our legal obligations kukla enforce our agreements. Sex may request a copy of the personal information kukla hold about you by khkla a written request to kukla aeon. Kukla will try sex respond to your request as soon as reasonably practical. When you receive the information, if you kukla any of it is wrong or out of date, you can ask us to change or delete it for you.

Rebecca Kukla is professor of philosophy at Georgetown University and senior research scholar at the Sex Institute of Ethics. She lives in Washington, DC. Become a Friend of Aeon to save articles and enjoy other exclusive benefits Make a donation.

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Become a Friend of Aeon to save articles and enjoy other exclusive benefits. Aeon email newsletters are issued by the not-for-profit, registered charity Aeon Media Group Ltd Australian Business Number 80 This Email Newsletter Privacy Statement pertains to the personally identifying information you voluntarily submit in the form sex your email address to receive our email newsletters. More generally, when visiting the Aeon kukla you should refer to our site Privacy Policy here.

This Email Newsletter Privacy Statement may change from time to time and was last revised 5 June, We are committed to ensuring that your information is secure. We have taken reasonable measures to protect information about you from loss, theft, misuse or unauthorised access, disclosure, alteration and destruction. No physical or electronic security system is impenetrable however and you should take your own precautions to protect the security of any personally identifiable information you transmit.

We cannot guarantee that the personal information you supply will not be intercepted while transmitted to us or our marketing automation service Mailchimp. We will not disclose your personal information except: 1 as described by this Privacy Policy 2 after obtaining your permission to a specific use or disclosure or 3 if we are required to do so by a valid legal process or government request such as a court order, sex search warrant, a subpoena, a civil discovery request, or a statutory requirement.

We will retain your information for as long as needed in light of the purposes for which is was obtained or to comply with our legal obligations and enforce our agreements. You may request a copy of the personal information we hold about you by submitting a written request to support aeon. We will try and respond to your request as soon as reasonably practical.

When you receive the information, if you think any of it is wrong or out of date, you can ask us to change or delete it for you. Rebecca Kukla. She lives in Washington, DC. Brought to you by Curioan Aeon partner. Edited by Sam Dresser. Communication is essential to ethical sex.

Typically, our public discussions focus on only one narrow kind of communication: requests for sex followed by consent or refusal. But notice that we use language and communication in a wide variety of ways in negotiating sex. We flirt and rebuff, express curiosity and repulsion, and articulate fantasies. We settle whether or not we are going to have sex at all, and when we want to stop. We check in with one another and talk dirty to one another during sex.

In this essay I explore the language of sexual negotiation. That is, I am less interested in what words mean than I am in how speaking can be understood as sex kind of action that has a pragmatic effect on the world.

J L Austin developed this way of thinking about kukla different things that speech can do in his classic book, How To Do Things With Wordsand many philosophers of language have developed sex idea since. That is, what differentiates them is less their meaning than what they doand what kinds of actions they call for from their audience.

One calls for an answer, one conveys information, one demands an action, and one suggests an action for consideration. All speech sex perform some sort of action, with some set of social effects. Felicity norms are the norms that make a certain speech act a coherent possibility.

These would be infelicitous speech acts. Propriety norms are norms that make a speech act situationally appropriate. So, although I have the authority to order my son to clean his room, it would be a massive norm violation for me to walk into his classroom at school and shout sex him to clean his room in the middle of class. Different speech acts with different force can enable or undermine ethical, pleasurable, autonomous sex. In public discussions about the ethics of sexual communication, we have tended to proceed as though requesting sex and consenting to it or refusing it are the only important things we can do with speech when it comes to ethical sex — the only kind of speech we need to be worried about.

I will try to show that our narrow focus on consent has distorted and limited our understanding of sexual self-determination, and of the various roles that language can play in making sex ethical and fulfilling, or unethical and harmful. One person requesting sex and the other consenting to let sex happen is not the most typical — and almost never the ideal — way for sex to be initiated.

So what are other ways in which we can use language in order kukla initiate sex and, especially, what are ways to do it well? I will focus on two: invitations and gift offers. Usually, when all goes well, initiations of sex take the form of invitations, not requests. Especially when we are just getting together with someone for the first time, whether for a casual hookup or at the start of a more serious relationship, invitations are a more common and typically more appropriate way of initiating sex than are requests.

A quirk of invitations is that, if accepted, gratitude is called for both from the inviter and the invitee. What kind of speech act is an invitation? What does it do? Invitations create a hospitable space for the invitee to enter. When you invite someone to something, they are not obligated to accept the invitation. But also, you are not merely opening a neutral possibility; you are making clear that they would be welcome. Invitations leave the invitee free to accept or reject them.

If you turn down my invitation, I get to be disappointed, but not aggrieved although I can feel aggrieved if it is turned down rudely or insultingly. An interesting quirk of invitations is that, if they are accepted, gratitude is called for both from the inviter and the invitee. I thank you for coming to my dinner, and you thank me for having you. Although an invitation leaves the recipient free to turn it down, this does not give anyone carte blanche to issue any invitation they want.

Invitations can be infelicitous, or inappropriate. And a felicitous invitation can be inappropriate. If I meet a stranger on the bus and chat with her for two minutes about the traffic, it would be inappropriate for me to kukla her to my wedding. A sexual invitation opens up the possibility of sex, and makes clear that sex would be welcome. Invitations are welcoming sex being demanding.

And the invitation needs to be felicitous and appropriate. I cannot invite you to have sex with someone else other than me which would be both infelicitous and unethical. I cannot invite you to have sex with me if doing so would be an abuse of power, or if for other reasons it kukla be difficult for you to say no to the invitation which would be both inappropriate and unethicalor at the end of a two-minute chat about the weather in the grocery line which would be inappropriate and probably uncomfortable.

I propose centring invitations rather than requests in our model of the language of sexual initiation. This opens up a whole set of new ethical and pragmatic questions. When are sexual invitations felicitous and appropriate, and who has authority to issue them to whom? Since invitations strike a complex balance between welcoming and leaving the recipient free, what maintains this balance and what throws it off-kilter?

An invitation might be degrading by being insufficiently welcoming, for instance. Or it might be coercive by being too pressing. Notice that if I invite you, appropriately, to have sex with me, then consent and refusal are not even the right categories of speech acts when it comes to your uptake. It is not felicitous to consent to an invitation; rather, one accepts it or turns it down.

So the consent model distorts our kukla of how a great deal of sex is initiated, including in particular pleasurable, ethical sex. When we are first trying to establish sexual intimacy with someone, sexual invitations are more common and typically healthier than sexual requests.

Once we are in an established, long-term relationship with a partner, sex is sometimes initiated via a gift offer. I might offer my partner sex as a kukla of saying goodbye before leaving for a trip.

There is nothing inherently problematic about offering to engage in a sexual activity with someone we care about out of generosity rather than direct sex. Gifts are, of essence, freely given and generous; a gift that I am compelled to offer sex not actually a gift. Gifts, by nature, cannot be demanded or even requested. If you ask me to indulge some sexual desire of yours, then my doing so is not a gift but the granting of a favour. A gift must be kukla to please the recipient; it might not actually succeed in pleasing, but an offering that is not expected to please is not actually a gift.

It is also essential to gift-giving that the recipient need not accept the gift. Gifts that are accepted call for both gratitude and reciprocation from the receiver. Social scientists have long been fascinated by gift-giving, both because of the complexity of its norms and because of its important role in sustaining and negotiating community.

Every culture also has distinctive norms governing the refusal and acceptance of gifts. A striking feature of gift-giving is its essentially reciprocal character, which is part of every gift-giving system despite cultural variations.

Gifts need to be reciprocated, and this is part of how they sustain relationships. Part of what is complicated about the norms of gift reciprocity is that they are inherently open-ended.

What counts as proper reciprocation is tricky. For instance, reciprocating a gift too quickly or too closely in kind is a norm violation: if you give me a book that you think I would love, it is inappropriate for me to immediately hand you a different book back, and even more inappropriate for me to give you the same book back at any time.

The size, timing and content of reciprocation must all be keyed subtly and not too directly to the original gift. Partly because gifts must be given generously and not compelled, this logic of reciprocity is tricky — while gifts call for reciprocation, if the reciprocation they call for is too specific, then they are no longer gifts but something more like barters.

An invitation need not presume that the recipient wants to accept it. But a gift offer is designed to be an act of generosity that pleases the recipient whether or not it succeeds in doing soand it calls for reciprocation. Such gifts do create an obligation to reciprocate, though not immediately, or exactly in kind, or on any particular schedule. If you routinely indulge my sexual desires out of generosity, it is disrespectful and undermining of our relationship if I never reciprocate.

Notice that typically, if someone offers me an appropriate gift, I need a good reason to turn it down. Turning down a gift is a hurtful snub. This is not true for sexual gifts offers, which can be turned down for any reason at all; no one has the standing to feel aggrieved by their rejection.

Sexual gifts, like invitations, can be appropriate or inappropriate, and felicitous or infelicitous. Unsolicited dick pics are typically not appropriate gifts, for instance. Sexual gifts kukla too early in a relationship are inappropriate.

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