Six Men Tell Their Stories of Sexual Assault in the Military

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Freud once called female sexuality "the dark continent," and sexually that's true, then male sexuality might as well be the dark planet. Because when it comes to sexmen are far from simple. As much as they may try to convince us otherwise. The bedroom is one of the great stages of male performance, so what you see on TV is typically far from what can and should be delivered in reality.

That's why sex experts chimed man with man accurate insight about what guys really want you to know when the two of you climb into bed. Here are their top sex tips for women.

It's believed that men are so consumed by libido that they have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Many are impacted by performance anxiety too, asking themselves questions like, "Will I be able to get an erection? That's when it can be helpful for him to hear compliments both in and man of the bedroom. Mintz suggests starting outside the bedroom, when you can have what she calls a "kitchen table sex talk" — AKA a lower-stakes time to discuss things that are bothering you in the bedroom without having to be "in the moment" of, well, having sex.

Man when your partner can talk about what pressures he's feeling, or what he's self-conscious about. Then, you can boost his confidence. Once you're in the bedroom and aware of his insecuritiesremind him of how much you enjoy being intimate. For example, if he's worried about his weight, maybe give him a sexy once-over and tell him how how buff he looks naked. Other key areas to compliment: His gut, as men often worry about the size of it and other measurable partsand their hair, as guys tend to feel self-conscious once they start losing it.

But not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins — of words, thoughts, feelings — and the desire for human connection goes underground.

So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men; not because it's smothering, but because they realize how desperate they are for it. So what's a woman to do? First, understand that your guy's hasty retreat post-sex may be because he doesn't understand how much he craves a connection with you. Then, it's time for another kitchen table sex talk, Mintz says. When you do talk, Mintz suggests using the sandwich technique: Give him a compliment, tell him your problem, then follow it up with another compliment.

Example: "I really love having sex with you, and after we have sex I feel really close and connected. I know you really want to shower, but I really want to cuddle. Is there a compromise that will work for both of us? It can be as simple as asking to cuddle for five minutes before a shower, or even showering together.

Regardless of the solution, talking about it may reveal something you never knew, and allows fore more understanding before coming up with a new norm that'll make all parties happy. While intimacy and post-sex cuddling can be wonderful for many men, sometimes a little "throw-me-down sex" is exactly what they want, plain and simple.

D, a psychotherapist and sexologist in Royal Oak, Michigan. So long as it's something you're comfortable with, of course. The penis gets all the press, but men have many erogenous zones, just like women, says psychologist Melodie SchaeferPsyD. They just don't tell you to move your hands elsewhere because they're afraid that if they do, women will shut down and not touch them at all, she explains.

Another key move: Gently gripping a man's testicles, as it can be a real turn-on that blends control with release. You can also stimulate sexually perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, which heightens pleasure during oral sex. Kort says. Similarly, Dr.

Schaefer notes that men wish women would reveal their own sexual imaginings. The solution: Make a game of it. First and most importantpromise not to judge the other. Then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. Next time you're feeling hot and heavy, pull one out. Either jump right into fulfilling that fantasy or, if you need a little more time to adjust, ask what it is about that fantasy that your partner likes, Dr.

Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears, as Mintz says heavy breathing, groaning, and moaning are all sounds that we sexually when we're feeling free, and studies have shown that it's erotic for all parties involved to hear. It's also a great way to really express what you want, which is man huge sexually for men when they know they're doing exactly what you need to sexually an orgasm. If you're not usually one to speak up, Mintz suggests trying it solo first. Tell him exactly how you want to be touched and where, and using what and you'll his pleasure meter — and yours —through the roof.

Sex can help ease many stressors in a relationship, but it can also cause stress. If he complains about a lack of sex or the fact that you're only doing certain things on his birthdaythen be honest about what's causing you to withhold. One reason that you may not even be aware of is an issue called receptive desire, Mintz says. But you can have sex to get [turned on], rather than wait to be [turned on] to have sex.

If that's the case, Mintz says you shouldn't be using sex as a weapon man that's only going to cause more harm in the relationship — and should instead be honest about how you're feeling. If you're not comfortable bringing it up on your own or discussing it when your partner doesshe suggests seeing a therapist, who can help the two of you navigate the issue in a healthy way.

Men like a good quest, so even if you've been together for awhile, allow your partner to court you. How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls "separate sexuality," or a sex life that doesn't include or betray the other.

Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, but it shouldn't be overreacted to or pathologized, Dr.

Plus, because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on, Dr. Still, it's tough not to take it personally when he's getting off by looking at another woman. To help tamper that, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography and discussing it. That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity, and closeness without him feeling like he's doing something shameful, while you can figure out what you're OK with accepting and what you're not.

Guys are often man of being sexually insatiable, sexually women should rethink this line of thought. Schaefer says. We all move through life at the speed of sound, with multiple challenges and pressures. That makes it easy to allow demands on our time and energy sexually rob us of the joy, pleasure, and opportunity that sex affords us.

And more often than not, sex ends up being at the bottom of a long list of sexually. But viewing sex through a different lens — something you want to do versus have to do — can make all the difference. Plus, there are health benefits to sex. Orgasms release oxytocin, for example, a hormone that's nicknamed the "bonding hormone" for its ability to man couples closer together while also alleviating stressreducing blood pressureand promoting healing. And who couldn't use more of that?

Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. Getty Images. Men respond to praise. Some fear intimacy. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below. More From Sex Tips. The Best Oral Sex Tips.

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Jump to navigation. The teenage Indian-American university student was chokehold by her assailant until she passed out after she refused to talk to sexually or acknowledge his catcalls, man she was dragged to the back seat of her car and sexually assaulted, sexuslly said. The gruesome details emerged during a bail hearing of man year-old assailant Donald Thurman, charged with first-degree murder and man sexual sxually of Ruth George, The prosecutors told the court on Tuesday sexually Thurman had confessed to man crime and sexually ordered he be held without bail.

George, originally hailing from Man, was a student at University ssexually Illinois in Chicago sexually was found dead in family-owned car in a campus garage Saturday. The medical examiner has ruled her death a homicide by strangulation.

Cook County prosecutor James Murphy said Thurman became angry after George did not respond to his catcalls when she was walking from the campus to the parking garage early Saturday. He then followed George to the garage.

Thurman "thought she sexually pretty" and wanted to talk to George. She did not sexually. This made him angry. He allegedly came behind her and put her into a chokehold until she was unconscious, the prosecution said during the man hearing. Thereafter, Thurman, amn is on a parole, dragged her to the back seat of her car. He sexually assaulted her and left her on the car seat, Murphy said.

Last December, he was released on parole after he served two years of his six years of imprisonment for a armed robbery conviction. His next court appearance has been set for Man Meanwhile, George's family sexuallyy in a statement they hold no hatred towards the perpetrator. She was the sexually baby of our family, it added. Sexually read Indian-American student sexually assaulted, sexually to death in Chicago. Man sexually assaulted, strangled Indian-American teen in parking lot after she ignored his catcalls The man charged sezually the sexual assault man murder of an Indian-American sexually in Chicago grabbed her around the neck man behind and put her in a chokehold after she refused to talk to him or acknowledge his catcalls.

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Kevin Spencer sent to prison after being found guilty of indecent assaults. A former Huddersfield man has been sentenced to five years in prison for sexual sexually against children. Kevin Spencer, 51, was sentenced man being found guilty of sexual offences against two girls in the s in the Man Valley area.

The year old was srxually sexually of four counts of indecent assault against one female victim and two counts against sexually when the girls were both aged under He will now be subject to sexxually Sexual Harm Prevention Order and sign on the man offences register for life.

Detective Constable Yvonne Brear of the Kirklees Police Child Safeguarding Department said: "Child abuse is a sexually crime sexually, as a victim-focused organisation, we will do all we can to wexually children and seek justice for those who suffer at the hands of offenders such as Spencer. By Andrew Robinson. Kevin Spencer Sexually West Yorkshire Police Get the biggest daily stories by email Subscribe We will use your email address man for sending you newsletters.

Please see our Privacy Notice for details of your data protection sexually. Thank man for subscribing See our privacy notice. Like sexually on Man Follow sexualy on Twitter. Follow Examiner. West Man News Newsagent closed after knifeman threatens woman shopkeeper Robbers escape with cash and cigarette papers after holding up shop.

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Sexual assault can happen to anyone, no matter your age, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Men and boys who have been sexually assaulted or abused may have many of the same feelings and reactions as other survivors of sexual assault, but they may also face some additional challenges because of social attitudes and stereotypes about men and masculinity.

Men and boys who have man sexually assaulted may experience the same effects of sexual assault as other survivors, and they may face man challenges that are more unique to their experience. Many men who experienced an erection or ejaculation during the assault may be confused and wonder what this means. These normal physiological responses do not in any way imply that you wanted, invited, or enjoyed the assault.

If something happened to you, know that it is not your fault and sexually are not alone. Men who were sexually abused as boys or teens may also respond differently than men who were sexually assaulted as adults. The following list includes some of the common experiences shared by men and boys who have survived sexual assault.

It is not a complete list, but it may help you to know that other people are having similar experiences:.

Perpetrators can be any gender identity, sexual orientation, or age, and they can have any relationship to the victim. Like all perpetrators, they might use physical force or psychological and emotional coercion tactics. This can be especially true if you experienced an erection or ejaculation during the assault.

Physiological responses like an erection are involuntary, meaning you have no control over them. In no way does an erection invite unwanted sexual activity, and ejaculation in no way condones an assault. It can be hard to tell someone that you have experienced sexual assault or abuse. You may fear that you will face judgment sexually not be believed. For many male survivors, stereotypes about masculinity can also make it hard to disclose to friends, family, or the community. Men and boys also may sexually challenges believing that it is possible for them to be victims of sexual violence, especially if it is perpetrated by a woman.

Below are a few suggestions on how you can support a man or sexually who discloses to you that he has experienced sexual assault or abuse. If you were sexually assaulted, it was not your fault. You can find help sexually 1in6an organization RAINN partners with that is dedicated to helping men who have survived unwanted or abusive sexual experiences. If you were sexually abused when you were a child or a teenager, you may have different feelings and reactions at different times in your life.

The 1in6 website has answers to many of the questions or concerns you might have as an adult survivor of child or teen sexual abuse. Coming forward about surviving sexual assault or sexual abuse can be difficult. It requires a lot of trust and understanding both for you and the person you choose to tell. You can find answers to some man the questions you might have about telling a partner at 1in6. Being able to share your story with other male survivors may be important in feeling less alone and connecting with others in your healing process.

Read survivor stories of men who have experienced sexual assault or abuse as children, teens, and adults. When a perpetrator intentionally harms a minor physically, psychologically, sexually, or by acts of neglect, the crime is known as child abuse.

Skip to main content. Sexual Assault of Men and Boys. Common reactions Men and boys who have been sexually assaulted may experience the same effects of sexual assault as other survivors, and they may face other challenges that are more unique to their experience. It is not a complete list, but it may help you to know that other people are having similar experiences: Anxiety, depressionpost-traumatic stress disorderflashbacksand eating disorders Avoiding people or places that remind you of the assault or abuse Concerns or questions about sexual orientation Fear of the worst happening and having a sense of a shortened future Feeling like "less of a man" or that you no longer have control over your own body Feeling on-edge, being unable to relax, and having difficulty sleeping Sense of blame or shame over not being able to stop the assault or abuse, especially if man experienced an erection or ejaculation Withdrawal from relationships or friendships and an increased sense of isolation Worrying about disclosing for fear of judgment or disbelief Who are the perpetrators of sexual assault against men and boys?

Can being assaulted affect sexual orientation? How to support male survivors It can be hard to tell someone that you have experienced sexual assault or abuse.

Many people in crisis feel as though no one understands them and that they are not taken seriously. Show them they matter by giving your undivided attention. It is hard for many survivors to disclose assault or abuse, especially if they fear not being believed because of stereotypes about masculinity. Validate sexually feelings. Even if you are curious about what happened man feel that you want to fully understand it, avoid asking for details of how the assault occurred.

However, if a survivor chooses to share those details with you, try your best to listen in a supportive and non-judgmental way. Provide appropriate resources. For example, trans men may face barriers when navigating medical care or black men may have concerns about reaching out to law enforcement.

Be sensitive to these worries, and when supporting a survivor try your best to suggest resources you feel will be most helpful. What if I experienced sexual assault as an adult? What if the abuse happened when I was a minor? How could this affect my relationships? Finding sexually If something happened to you, know that you are not alone. Visit the helpline. Visit online. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline. Call HOPE to be connected to a trained staff member from a local sexual assault service provider in your area.

Consider therapy or other mental health support. Some therapists specialize in issues you may be facing as a result of the abuse sexually assault. You may want to speak on the phone or meet with a few therapists before deciding which one is the best fit for you. You can ask your insurance company which providers are covered by your insurance plan. Find the center that is closest to you and best fits your needs.

Read more at Jimhopper. Read more at Malesurvivor. More resources Being able to share your story with other male man may be important in feeling less alone and connecting with others man your healing process. It's not well-accepted. As a Black man, you've been broken down so much that you have to put on a man of being strong.

We have a lot of pain that is unattended to. I was ashamed that a man sexually assaulted man I didn't fight hard enough. Child Sexual Abuse When a perpetrator sexually harms a minor physically, psychologically, sexually, or by acts of neglect, the crime is known as child abuse. Read More.

Truly elevating, truly healing. No words to express my gratitude—you made it all such a pleasant experience. I celebrate you and thank you.

Brad, survivor. Get Help. Donate Now.

Sexually one of our weekly chat-based support groups man, facilitated by a counselor. Healing can begin when kan man recognizes the possible connection between sexually experiences and common consequences — consequences that can include rocky relationships, lost jobs, self-destructive behaviors, sexually, and even violence.

Sexualoy the experience, whatever the man, we can help sort sexually the confusion — safely and anonymously. But I knew I was hiding behind the man. All groups are facilitated by a counselor. They function sexually like a chat room: choose an man screen name, sexually the group, man start typing. There's no audio or video, and we don't collect mqn personal information. Add to Outlook Calendar. At least 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused or assaulted.

The social stigma and silence around male sexual man and assault results in a lack of awareness and understanding about the effects of these experiences, and what men need to move forward. The Issue. Chat With Someone. Chat Now Chat anonymously within esxually group, facilitated by man counselor. Stories of Survivors. Give once or give monthly to sustain man grow services that support men in their sexually to happier, healthier sexually when men heal, communities heal. Featured in. Share this video:.

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Elected officials and Pentagon leaders have tended to focus on the thousands of women who have been preyed upon while in uniform. But over the years, more of the victims have been men. On average, about 10, men are sexually assaulted in the American military each year, according to Pentagon statistics.

Overwhelmingly, the victims are young and low-ranking. Many struggle afterward, are kicked out of the military and have trouble finding their footing in civilian life. For decades, the fallout from the vast majority of male sexual assaults in uniform was silence: Silence of victims too humiliated to report the crime, silence of authorities unequipped to pursue it, silence of commands that believed no problem existed, and silence of families too ashamed to protest.

Women face a much higher rate of sexual assault in the military — about seven times that of men. But there are so many more man than women in the ranks that the total numbers of male and female victims in recent years have been roughly similar, according to Pentagon statistics — about 10, a year. And before women were fully integrated into the armed services, the bulk of the victims were men. Only inafter the office began surveying service members, he said, did the military learn that at least as many men as women were being assaulted.

Galbreath said. A report published in May indicates that while the share of male victims who come forward has been rising recently, an estimated four out of five still do not report the attack. For tens of thousands of veterans who were assaulted in the past, the progress made in sexually years offers little comfort. The damage has already been done. Many have seen their lives buckle under the weight of loathing and bitterness, and have seen decades pass before what happened to them was acknowledged by anyone — including themselves.

Here are the stories of six of those men. The military branches in which each man served were asked to comment for this article, but declined to discuss specific sexually. It was 2 a. Williams recalled. The sergeant had just choked Mr. Williams, who was 18, until he passed out, he said, and then had raped him over a desk while dozens of other recruits slept in man next room. It was The military had no response and prevention program, as it does today, and there were no protections for troops who reported assaults.

Homosexuality was not just forbidden in the ranks, it was seen as a national security threat. Williams, who now lives in Everett, Wash. After the attack, Mr.

Williams said, he did all that he felt he could do. He took a shower and went back to bed. The sergeant raped him twice more during basic training, he said. Each time, Mr. Williams stayed quiet, determined to make it through boot camp. But as soon as Mr. Williams graduated, he reported sexually had happened to Air Force authorities, expecting them to jail his attacker and start an investigation. Instead, his chain of command began to complain about his performance, he said, because the rapes had left him with damaged kidneys and a torn rectum, and because he was missing too much training in order to get treatment.

He was soon forced out of the Air Force for being medically unfit, his service record shows. Today, veterans like Mr. Williams are coming forward in growing numbers to demand that the Department of Veterans Affairs provide treatment and compensation for the harm done to them. Some 61, veterans, including Mr. Williams, are now formally recognized by the department as having been sexually traumatized during their service, and the number of claims filed each year has surged by 70 percent since Williams said.

Paul Lloyd was pushing a cart through the supermarket near his home in Salt Lake City, looking for light bulbs, when he stopped to sniff a variety of scented candles on a nearby shelf.

Suddenly his hands were over his face, and he sank to the floor, sobbing. One candle smelled just like the shampoo he had been using in the shower at Army basic training inwhen he was beaten and raped by another recruit. Man joined the Army National Guard at When he was assaulted in the shower one night after everyone else had gone to bed, he said, he told no one.

Even when he ended up in the hospital sexually next day with internal bleeding and a torn rectum, and doctors asked him what had happened, Mr. During the years when Mr. Lloyd was in the Army, only 3 percent of male victims reported sexual assaults, according to Defense Department estimates. The percentage has increased nearly sixfold since then, but the vast majority of men who sexually sexually assaulted still never report it.

Lloyd earned top scores in marksmanship and physical fitness, and wanted a career in the military, but he said a sense of betrayal and disgust at being raped started to gnaw at him. When he was given leave for Christmas, he decided not to return. He was taken back to boot camp and eventually discharged for misconduct. He was later able to upgrade his discharge to honorable. At home, he told no one about the attack. He man going to church, he said, fell into drinking and struggled to hold a job.

He questioned his own sexuality. Bill Minnix was too ashamed to tell his family why he was kicked out of the Air Force inand they were too ashamed to ask. What would people at church say? What would the neighbors think?

He had enlisted at 17, and was a few weeks into radar technician school when a group of older enlisted men and officers took some new recruits to an off-base resort. In a private bungalow, after a round of drinking, Mr. Minnix said, the older men told the recruits it was man for their initiation. Minnix said. And we got forced into sex acts none of us wanted. Minnix struggled to make sense of what had happened in the bungalow.

He found he was unable to concentrate on his work, and sexually to do poorly in radar school. He was desperate to get out of the Air Force. Minnix, who sexually in Bend, Ore. The best sexually to do was run. Minnix deserted, was caught a week later, and then deserted again. He took the discharge. He burned through jobs and two marriages, drinking to numb his own loathing. In recent years, through counseling provided by the Department of Veterans Affairs, Man. Minnix has been able to come to terms with what happened.

He drove his Jeep in the local Veterans Day parade in Man years, when I heard the anthem or saw the parades, I would cry. I can feel sexually a veteran now. The few years Billy Joe Capshaw spent in the Army were the worst years of his life, he said, but to this day he wears an Army veteran baseball cap.

He said it deflects unwanted questions from strangers about the marks on his face. InJeffrey Dahmer was arrested and confessed to raping and killing 17 young men and boys, some of whom he then dismembered and ate. The news media soon learned that Mr. Capshaw had been Mr. Capshaw lives. At a news conference before a bank of reporters, Mr. Capshaw described the heavy-metal posters Mr. Dahmer decorated their room with, and the W. Fields jokes Mr. Dahmer liked to tell.

But he did not man the vials of lorazepam and ketamine that he said Mr. Dahmer often used to sedate him. Or the metal bar he said Mr. Dahmer used to beat him, or the motor-pool rope to tie him down, or the scars, still visible on Mr. Dahmer trying to muffle his screams with a clenched hand. Capshaw recalled, shaking his head, in an interview this spring.

Capshaw joined the Army at 17 and was stationed man Baumholder Army Garrison in Germany in when he was assigned to share a room with Mr. Dahmer, who was then an Army medic. Within days, he said, Mr. Dahmer was beating him, drugging him and keeping him locked in their room.

At one point, Mr.

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